Lame Magic 8-Ball®s on the Net

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Not all Web 8-Ball emulations are created alike! To assist guidance-seekers in the quest for a quality 8-Ball, I've searched out all the 8-Balls I could find and ranked them, keeping the following criteria in mind:

• The official 8-Ball set of answers. While I don't know for a fact that all official Magic 8-Ball® products have used the same twenty answers, I've never found one that differed. Many 8-Ball purveyors on the Web simply make up a set of vague answers, usually with a significantly different probability distribution. This will not do.

• Attractive graphics. The real 8-Ball, a sleek, black sphere with a clearly emblazoned "8" and a deep blue well, is nothing if not stylish. Good presentation is very important in a decision-maker. Would you trust important decisions to a page that used bad-looking HTML and crummy graphics?

• Robustness. The 8-Ball should work, and it should work well, and it should work on most browsers. It should be obvious how to make it work. There's no excuse for poor user interface design on an 8-Ball.

• Arbitrary choice. The judge reserves the right to make ratings based on his whim and overall feel for the site. I strive for impartiality, but not necessarily objectivity.

Without further ado, I present the list. On a scale of one to eight 8-Balls:

* infinity Federated 8-Ball

This isn't a lame emulation, it's the real thing: an actual, physical 8-Ball, in a robotic cradle with a camera system for viewing the results. The epitome of 8-Balls on the Net, this easily takes the cake in any competition. Jim is truly an 8-Ball Stud[t]!

The Resort

Tyco® picked on them, so they changed the name from "Magic 8-Ball®" to "Magic Floating Head of Bob" (and changed the graphics to fit). They still have the authentic messages, though. And they're multilingual! I'm not the only one with a multilingual 8-Ball simulation, I guess.

Magic Eight Call

This one gets points for originality; they use TellMe's VXML service to deliver 8-Ball answers via telephone. It uses the correct answers and everything!

Springfield, Illinois

They don't have animation or sound, but they don't use Shockwave, either, and they have a very nice picture of an 8-Ball.

Bella Ball

A decent little 8-ball emulation, with very realistic looking pictures.

ASP Magic 8 Ball

Good answers and nice answer pictures. They include the source code, for anyone else who wants to implement an 8-Ball using ASP.

WAP 8-Ball

I don't have the equipment to try it, but the author claims that this is an online 8-Ball you can use from a WAP-capable phone or PDA. If it works, that's pretty cool, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

The Mystic 9-Ball

This isn't a particularly accurate 8-Ball per se, but it does have an interesting twist; when the "9-Ball" has enough "mysticia", it answers with not only a phrase but a Web page which you must interpret.

The Infinitely Magic Ball

This, too, is an unfaithful reproduction. Nonetheless, its Zen nature and excellent design make it a very interesting site to visit; while the answers aren't in the real 8-Ball, and are nothing like them, the spirit is certainly there. It has what are probably the most interesting and thought-provoking answers of any of the pages out there.

Ask Bubba

Not really an 8-ball, but it has the same answers ... reworded a bit. A unique oracle with its own style of down-on-the-farm fortune-telling.

Magic Coffee Mug

Nonstandard but plentiful answers, a log of questions, and a cute Flash implementation. You get to choose the level of sugar, cream, and caffeine.

Futuristic Software

When I first constructed this list (years ago) the page didn't work, but that's been fixed in the meantime. They don't have authentic answers, but they do have some fancy system for detecting whether people are really asking a yes/no question. They do have a contest; lucky winners get their name featured in the 8-Ball's responses.

Joe's Magic 9 Ball

(Name changed to placate our friend Tyco®.) The answers aren't exactly authentic, but they're certainly amusing. Well done.

Archie McPhee's Sarcastic Ball

Ostentatiously improper, the purple Sarcastic Ball answers your questions with retorts like "Yeah, Right" and "In Your Dreams". You can even buy a real-life Sarcastic Ball if you want.

Spike

They let you choose from text, image or animation versions, to suit your taste and bandwidth. The text version tends to chop the answer, and the animated GIFs load rather slowly, so I recommend the "Image" version. (Incidentally, they've clearly been given notice by Tyco®. Apparently Tyco® only picks on the more authentic 8-Ball simulations out there.)

The Orb of Augury

This is a fast Javascript 8-ball, but the answers aren't real ("No bloody way!"). However, they do include a neat "shake your orb" button that tosses the browser window around.

Magic Infinity-Ball

When I first reviewed this 8-Ball, they have a broken CGI script. Since then, however, the proprietor has fixed things up nicely, and they do include a cool letter from Tyco® threatening to sue them. (I can't wait until we get one!) Some of their answers are unauthentic, unfortunately.

Rob Wesley

The answers are correct, and the Javascript is fast, but otherwise it's nothing very special.

eStart Oracle

The JavaScript on this page doesn't work with Netscape Navigator, but the graphics are attractive and the answers are almost correct. The author claims he was "going for a Conan type look".

dukeMedia.com

Part of some wacky nostalgia trip thing. It uses JavaScript and has OK graphics and mostly right answers.

Todd Sebastian

Yet another mediocre 8-Ball page. Mildly incorrect answers, OK graphics.

Krado

This one uses VBScript, so I can't test it, but it should work with Internet Explorer. Only six answers.

Digital Dementia

Weird answers, weird graphics.

Kool

Yadda, yadda. From their home page: "Only for the Netscape Enhanced User!" What a lame site.

MainStrike

JavaScript, ugly colors, and incorrect answers.

Hometown Kids

This times out for me, but I'm told it always produces the same answers (albeit the correct ones) in the same sequence.

Magic One Ball

A question/answer column, really; you have to wait for the editors to answer. They're not really very cool, either.

KHG Advertising.

Make sure to click the link -- pressing Return doesn't work. Actually, even clicking the link doesn't really "work", either. In fact, it's just a stupid advertisement. This is the lamest 8-Ball I found.

8-Ball graveyard

These are 8-Balls I used to list above, but which have passed away. Rest in peace.

Sean at ribit.com

Not only does this site have way-cool graphics (cool enough to make me forgive the use of Shockwave), it has all the right answers, too. Felix Chiu tells me the text on the page is Chinese.

8-Ball Tattoo

Simple, functional, pretty.

Internet Oddities

JavaScript-based, but probably the fastest of all the 8-Balls out there.

Amy Karr's 8-Ball

JavaScript. The images take a while to load, but once they're in it operates quickly. It has the right answers, a simple interface, and cute pictures of a hand shaking the 8-ball.

Fun Game

They also changed the name to avoid trademark conflicts, in this case to "the blue mystic triangle". It's pretty cute.

Ask the Oracle

No mention of the 8-Ball, but as the author remarked to me, it does have the same answers. The graphics are fairly nice, and the operation is simple and clean.

Ralph's Executive Decision Maker

Nice graphics, a good user interface and authentic answers make Ralph's 8-ball a good choice for your decision-making needs.

Cato Shanklin

They want you to enter your name to use their 8-Ball, and they don't have any pictures. They have the correct answers, but they also have some made-up foofoo. You you can always lie about your name, anyway. I wonder if they log the questions.

Ian Jones

Standard HTML, non-obnoxious graphics, the right answers. What more can you ask for?

Gray Matters

Yet another ordinary HTML 8-ball. This one uses ASP and has decent-looking output.

Glamorama

It's a really silly Web site overall, but they've got a decent 8 ball, and that's all we care about, right? They sell 8-Ball merchandise -- you can get an 8-Ball keychain, an 8-Ball proper, or even a Magic 8-Ball T-Shirt! Woo hoo.

Dan Temkin

JavaScript. This one differentiates itself by asking you for your question in a pop-up dialog box. It has the right answers.

Troy's Magic Oracle Page

Another Tyco® victim. This one does log the questions, though, so you can laugh at the silly things people ask.

Kurt Cobain's Magic Talking 8-Ball

Bizarre, in a cool sort of way.

STUDENeT

Cute Shockwave animation, but not much else.

Magic 8 Bra

No, that's not a typo.

Virtual 8-Ball

"Not as reliable as therapy, but far better than Dear Abby." Wacky text, a USA Today Hot Site, and animated GIFs, but the wrong answers.

Planet Innovation

They have a disclaimer on theirs. They cannot be held accountable!

Rodent Records

Sean did Shockwave right; these folks did Shockwave wrong. Yecch!

Edgeware's 8-Ball

These folks want you to pay $3 for a shareware Magic 8-Ball® Win32 app. It even has a sappy little text file. These are the guys Tyco oughtta sue!

Tr-i

These folks take the 8-Ball's name in vain! The title says "8-Ball", the URL says "koan", but it's neither. It just gives you a random quote with a random background.

MacTemps

Slick graphics, but folks, "fortune" is not an 8-Ball!

Wayne Bartnick

"The Cult of the Magic 8-Ball®." 'Nuff said.

Minionsoft

"The magic eight ball has left due to lameness." Aww, I bet Tyco® sent them a nice letter. (I won't even make any snide remarks about AOL and lameness.)

Nerve Magazine (Berkeley)

What a painful background! And it's just a joke, too, no real answers.

Steve's 8 Ball

Not only does black text on a blue background not show up very well, but their CGI script is broken, and they use <blink> to boot!